Loved but not wanted.

There I stood surrounded by a group of men crying. I had finally decided to let go and let God.

I could never figure out why my relationships never worked out. Why I ran from commitment and why I didn’t feel wanted in them.

See, people like me and love me, but I never felt wanted by people or in relationships with women.

Now, I know why and it’s taken 39 years, my life savings, and letting my emotions flow in front of others to discover why.

This past weekend I did a retreat called the Path to Spirit. It’s a weekend where you review your life from the angle of what burdens do you carry with you. Through the process, you discover how those burdens are your greatest gifts. This is my discovery and letting go story.

I’ve carried four big burdens in my life.

I am alone and no one cares.
I can’t speak up for myself.
I have to be successful.
I have to figure this out.

My biggest burden was feeling alone and I’ve been trying to “fix” that my entire life. It’s driven me to move from St. Louis to Austin, TX, to Portland, OR, and to Chicago IL. Each time feeling the same when I got there. Finally, discovering that each time I took the same guy with me. Myself. Funny how that works? 🙂 Maybe I was at the root of this issue…

So, there I was crying in front of a group of men sharing what I had felt as a little boy. Not wanted. In this process, I took on the point of view of my mother and father. I viewed life from their point and from the point in time in which I was really young.

Imagine you already have three kids, barely making it, and thought you were done having kids. Then seven years later another one comes along. You’re a father in your mid 40’s and a mother in her mid 30’s. How would you feel? Not having planned the kid and not having money for what you already have… If that was me as a father or mother I’d probably feel like we didn’t plan on you but we will love you anyways.

Loved but not wanted.

That’s the message I took on as a young child. No one ever said that but that’s what I felt and took on as my core belief about myself. That belief ran my life.

Next, in this process, I discovered that I took on the burden of not being able to speak up. Being yelled at as a kid a few times and I took on the belief I could never speak up. So, I stayed quiet. I was six and didn’t know how to stand up for myself. So, I stayed quiet.

At this point in the process, I was beginning to see how my life was created by me. I knew I was; loved, quiet, and not wanted at this point. Those were the beliefs that shaped my world and each decision I made.

These beliefs about myself were so deep-rooted they drove me to move around the country several times trying to speak up and feel wanted. They were my unconscious drivers in life. The feeling of wanting to be wanted is powerful!

The process continued and I discovered as a little boy I decided that no matter what I was going to save the family. I felt the pain of my mom and dad not having enough money to do the things they wanted and as a little kid decided I was going to fix it and had to figure it out! So, I took on the message I was going to get rich, be successful, and save the family, especially Mom. Especially Mom!

No wonder I was the first to graduate from college, buy two homes, have a high paying corporate career, saved a lot of money, wrote two books, become a speaker and coach, rehab mom’s house, helped mom manage her bills, and now help manage mom’s estate. I was the one. It was my burden and a six-year-old boy made that up and took it on. That decision has driven me my entire life! It shaped my future.

Next, in the process, I saw my hidden burden. I had to plan out everything in order to be successful and help fix others along the way in order to save them. Especially the family. By uncovering that I discovered that it’s exhausting, doesn’t work, and leaves people feeling I am needy. I discovered I was the needy one. Ouch!

So, there I was looking at my life: I was the needy one, didn’t know how to speak up for myself, wanted to fix everyone, felt alone and no one cared and had to be successful to save mom and the family. No wonder my relationships have turned out the way they have. Big Awakening.

By being able to discover all of this and how I created my life I’ve been able to let go and let God. It’s a new feeling for me to trust myself and allow spirit in. It feels amazingly peaceful.

I forgave myself, felt the sadness of losing my mom and dad, and just cried for a while. I looked into the eyes of the men around me and felt loved.

I then blessed each of my burdens in life as I could see how each one of them taught me very powerful lessons. They served a purpose and they were created by a little boy.

By seeing these burdens as blessings what I got was the ability to speak my truth, know I am loved and wanted and was all along, know I already am successful and don’t have to fix myself or anyone else.

My new truths are:
I speak up for myself and with compassion for others
I am loved and wanted
I trust myself
I already am a success

I discovered myself, my power, and uprooted my core belief about myself. It’s like I pulled the roots out of a large oak tree from my heart and it feels fucking amazing and peaceful! I’ve been dancing more, smiling more, less anxious, and loving and accepting others where they are in their journey.

Thank you, David Lindgren and the Path to Spirit Team! You are loved and thanks for loving me!

In short, Let go and Let God!


Photo by Bruce Lorie